Frequently Asked Questions


It's not really a rule, because if the Great Penguin drops by and you don't have any food to offer to Her, She might be a bit disappointed, not to mention a little hungry, but She won't do anything mean to you. You won't have to quit the church or do any weird rituals. (In fact, if you are really in dire straits, She might regurgitate a semi-digested Cosmic Herring for you! But that may not be something you want.)

The Great Penguin does not want you to blow yourself up. If any imaginary being asks you to blow yourself up (or tie your shoes, put on a sweater, barf on your sister or play in traffic), you can be sure that being was not the Great Penguin. The Great Penguin is far too lazy to micromanage your life!

The Great Penguin assumes you have enough sense to assess the potential consequences of your own acts, and expects you to assume responsibility for whatever silly decisions you might make.

Unlike some other deities we could mention (but are far too polite to) the Great Penguin has no interest in social control.

What do you want to do? The Great Penguin suggests beaches, bicycles (you humans look so funny in geeky biking clothes) and herring cook-outs, for a start.

The Great Penguin is quite amazed (and amused) by how much of it you humans have managed to work out for yourselves. It would totally ruin it for you if She explained everything now. Oh, you might be happy for a day or two, but then you’d feel let down.

What about it? Seriously. The Great Penguin is not about to open that particular can of bait. Though She does have a big pile of Cosmic Quarters ready in case you want to go again.

The Great Penguin would prefer you didn’t. It’s kind of creepy and stalky, as well as a bit embarrassing. Also, She knows it’s the current fashion, but you can ease up on the perpetual being grateful. The Great Penguin made the universe out of pure fun and enjoyment, and thinks you will be happier if you experience it that way too.

The Great Penguin says: “First I made wombats from scratch. Was that ever tough! I had to start over about ten times! So, yes, you heard right. I invented evolution. You’re welcome!”

The Great Penguin suggests that you will have more fun during your stay in Her universe if you make an effort to not be a jerk. But no rules. Your choice.

The Great Penguin designed space/time as an amusement park (She provides the park, you provide the amusement.) If you want to spend all your time playing school, hey, go for it! Whatever nets your herrings.

Are you kidding? The Great Penguin can barely manage Her own life, especially now that Her brother’s crashing on Her couch again. What conceivable reason would she have to even remotely want to micromanage your life? It’s your game, you figure it out!

Research (which we are too lazy to look up) shows that humans are evolutionarily hard-wired to believe in some kind of deity.
Since any Divine worth its salt will be completely incomprehensible, you have to make something up anyway (as your image of the Divine.) So why not a penguin? Everybody loves penguins!
Of course, you can’t use the Great Penguin as an excuse to be mean to anybody or blow yourself up. You can do that stuff if you want, you just can’t pretend the Great Penguin told you to.
She’s happy when you live a happy and fulfilling life, but it’s not a requirement (there’s only the one requirement, about the food.)
Plus, She’s not big on the smiting.
And the Great Penguin will do every bit as much for you as any other deity, no more, no less. You can’t beat that with a wet herring!

It's mostly prophylactic. You know when people come to your door trying to sell you a religion, and you really don't want one, but they're so earnest and scrubbed you can't be mean to them, but if you admit you don't have or want a religion, you'll never get rid of them?

The Church of the Great Penguin is the perfect answer.

You don't have to do anything to be part of the church except keep some food around in case the Great Penguin drops by (She's a bit of a mooch.)

That way, you can politely (and truthfully) tell all religion salesdroids "No thank you, I already have one."

And if you really want to bend their brain, print out our free brochure and give them some literature. If they have a sense of humor, they'll leave you alone. And if not, hopefully they'll regard you as a dangerous nutcase and stay far away from you from then on.


(The Church of the Great Penguin is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the weekly Pengcognito web cartoon.)